Maaaaaaaaaaan, I hate feeling so lost. I'm 23, nearing 24, up to my eyes with debt from the Uni course I didn 't finish and probably will get a crap grade in. I don't know in which direction I want my life to go but I just want to go SOMEWHERE. I feel like I'm at a dead end here in Leeds and I know I'll be moving away soon enough but I want to do something with my life. I'm thinking of maybe doing another degree and actually finishing it this time. I would re-do my last year if I had the chance but I don't think it's feasible and I don't think I could stand this place for another year.
Then there is Ben....who has a million and one dreams of his own. I love him and I want to support him but I'm just scared that taking a back seat wil come back to haunt me in some way and I'll end up regreting it....but then if I can\t decide what I am going to do what the hell will I end up regretting....Life was so much more clear cut a couple of years ago...student...boooze...party although no where near enough studying which if I had the chance again I would make sure that I did study. Studying linguistics would be interesting. I do like languages and if I work hard enough I could be a translater maybe one day. But if that's the case which languages do I go for. Bristol only does indo-european languages and I think I'm all italianed out at the moment. There's portuguese and Spanish I suppose...but I would still love to do Japanese.....soooo confusing....I don't know what to do really.
The only thing I do know is that I wrote a letter to B last night telling him that I loved him...it's the first time it has ever been mentioned although we do skirt around the subject in a jokey way a lot IT is quite a scary thought that I am quite literally putting myself up for the biggest emotional fuck up a person can ever imagine not even a year after I got over my last....WTF....but with B I just can't help it...and despite trying to fight off these feelings (it's been almost a year) I couldn't disguise them any longer and this time In know it's a healthy kind of love rather than just being caught up in the moment. This time it kinda feels like this is what love is actually supposed to feel like...although the big question now is....does he feel the same way??? duh duh duh duh duh...my friends seem to rig a chorus of "yes" at least when it randomly came up last week but I won't believe anything untill I see/hear it for myself and therefore I am slowly gearing myself up for the worst so it wont hit me too hard and anuthing better than that will be rose gardens and sweet petals!! :) That's the way it's supposed to be.
Anyway I'm gonna ponder a little bit more, read and sleep as I'm knackered (*MUST GO SWIMMMING TOMORROW!!!!)
T'has been another long while eh...well I already moved in with Ben and it aint all that bad really. Don't really know what all the scary fuss was about!!! Although I might have a bit of the Drama Queen in me which comes out a little too often when I'm worried and blows things to silly proportions. I'm still at Acorn which is surprising since most of my friends have been harshley axed from their main sourse of income. The respect I once had for that company has flittered away along with the wanton disguard for my peeps I works with so closely and realising that the work place is a dangerous place that can actually suck out your soul and leave you to become a brainless minion....which is why I'm gonna escape this summer. Place...depends on Ben and his dream...I like people with dreams...it kind of gives mine a bit more of a purpose I suppose. A passion for something is infectious. And during the last few months I have decided to do teachers training here in the UK. I might even do a CELTA course in Berlin to for a month as the idea of teaching English abroad still interests me but ultimately I would liek to use it as an opportunity to make a difference....use my experience with kids and people to do development work.... After all that is still why I'm veggie...as well as for the environmental reasons but I want to make it my point to help people...There is not enough of that going around.
Currently and probably forever more loving Happy Go Lucky....maybe that's what inspired me to become a teacher lol......quality film, quality actress and Ken Loach is quality too...I quite like my new found interest in Indie films...Commercial films/hollywood films are ok but they lack the insight and the earthyness of indie films
I can't sleep :-S It's probably because i was so knackered from yesterday and not being able to sleep which in turn made me fall asleep when I got back fromwork so I had a three hour kip. Unfortunately i had a bad dream so I woke up quite badly. I think it's because of all the stories on the news lately of parents treating their kids badly as the last scene I remember had me wading through the mud after a sudden terrential downpur and after realising it was dark and zombies (yes don't ask me why but dead things in general seem to be a reoccuring theme in my dreams) were about to come out I came across this little flat somewhere in the Leeds uni campus where a woman invited me in proabbaly in her 30's single parent with one blond haired girl. There was some random story behind the girl and I remember feeling intrinsically worried for her but then the most disturbing scene was where I fell asleep and she went into another room where there was a collegue from work who is currently pregnant. i woke up and went to find this woman and sw both of them under the cover with the video on pause. I at first thought they were lesbian lovers as you do but the mother pulled back the covers to show her PJ's although she had a sheepish look on her face still as if I had interuppted her . Then the pregnant woman from work kept looking at me mouthed help. She threw back the covers and almost fell then the mother took up a slipper or a big brush and was about to beat her legsn where there was already bruised. The last thing I remember is thinking crap should i save the kid first or the pregnant lady from work or both together and then i rmemebered it as almost dark and that the 28 days later rage type creatures would be out which freaked me out a little bit to much and i woke up.
I hate dreams like that...it was a little bit too weird and scary for my liking.
plus i'm having a werid day. I think i still have itchy feet about moving in with Ben. I have made a point of avoiding this step with numerous other boyfriends to the point where i kinda dumped a guy because i just really wasn't ready to mae such a big step although i do really like him. It's werid because if i feel like this just from moving in with someone just imagine the pre-wedding jitters!!! I'm scared i'm gonna work myself into a little frenzy. Maybe my hormones are a bit weird this time of year. I think i have always had relationship issues around this time. maybe i start them myself who knows but i just feel really really nervous and on edge a little. I think i'm just scared of investing so much and getting hurt again...what ever happend to the me that didn't worry about all this crap eh? It was so much easier then. I think i might just need to get away for a bit. i think i'm starting to feel a little claustrophobic.
I don't think i have much faith in the durability of relationships in general after my parents relationship which maybe cause too many problems and too much heartache to even be worth it and my granparents from both sides being separated, i kinda think maybe it's i my genes to end up old and lonely so maybe i shouldn't even try or maybe i should become a lesbian.
I'm also worried about my mom for some reason and my bro. I hope they are ok. v. weird day
Again it's been a while :)
Aisha is moving into the big wide world of couple-dom and is moving in with Benjy as of Friday this week. I am slightly petrified. I mean I have already been kinda liing with him since July and it's gone really well so far especially as we are sharing a pokey room no arguments just love. I have wanted to move out for a while though. I think when you start working your body clock changes, different priorities and I live with other students at the mo. Plus a number of them are a tad anal and a bit too mney hungry for my liking. Let's just say I won't be going out of my way to meet up with any of them again. although I must say it has probably bought me and benjy much closer together. Those three scary words have been on the tip of my tounge a number of times over the past coule of months although I am still soooooo scared of saying them too soon like I did with Patri. I want those three words to be real this time. Last time, when i first said it it was like I was trying it out for size. As in there was feeling there but it definitely wasn't profound enough at that time to call it love. With Benjy there are certain moments when I feel from the pits of my stomach that i do really really like him and those three words are fighting to come out, especially when we are asleep and he's holding me and I look up at him sleeping with that smile on his face :-)
Now he has gone back down to Somerset to pick up his motorbike and I miss him soooooooo much even though it's only two weeks. I literally can't wait to see him. I admitI have called him and text him slightly more than I wanted to. I'm still trying to play it cool, I don't him to take for granted the fact that I am here which is exactly what happened last time but I haven't quite managed it yet. I'm gonna play it cool from now though. I also realise fully the extent to which previous relationships have affected my ability to trust other guys that I am going out with. Even though I do really really like Benjy I am still expected him to turn out like Patri or Olly and end up hurting me although at least this time I know his friends and they are proably the best reassurance. I also told him that Patri was over. It was weird. I kinda wanted to see him just to say hi but it wasn't a major priority and I didn't feel the need to go out of my way to see him. If i had not have seen him in July it might have been a different story as seeing him then definitely bought me the closur that I had needed, but it seems he may turn out to be an ex I never really talk to. I know we said we would try and be friends but it's hard to when you move on as the time that you had for him in the past is now filled with they guy your with at the moment who is more important.
I can't wait to move!!!!!
Well...guess who's back!!!
Let's just say my current insomnia inflicted late nights has got me a tad agitated and slightly worried as I can't quite pinpoint the reason why I'm having so much trouble sleeping but first timr for an update...I'm still with Benjy...I went to see him in Berlin too which was my first time!! The ciry was absolutely gorgeous! I had a great time AND i got to see my friend PAuli who I met while I was in Turin after three long years and also got to see Heidleberg :-)...I also went to Perugia which yes, you remembered rightly is where I met my ex PAtri....although I didn't tell him that I would be there he kinda found out and came over for a couple of days...which in the end did a world of good as I managed to finally get a lot of the hurt and the anger off my chest without him shooting me down like he did in emails and finally got to explain how those last few months made me feel.
To be honest after that I wasn't too sure how I would see the relationship with B, if the dynamics would change after meeting P but I actually let myself go more although I am still quite cautious in some aspects. I still have a few trust issues though so I'm not falling completely...I still can't bring myself to throw myself in at the deep end as I don't want to be let down and hurt again although his friends always say that he really likes me...but I still think they are just saying that.
Now though I am having these insomia spouts. I think it's because he has started playing those blasted video games at night so he goes downstairs to play them and because we share a room together and he's not in bed I get worried that something is wrong, I start doubting the relationship and all that crap and while all of this is whirling around in my head I end up staying awake for hours. Last night I got to sleep at 12.30am then I woke up at 4.30am...it was more like I jumped up to eb honest, as if something was wrong and you wake up with that worried look on your face...well I did that. And now I have slept a total of 2 hours maximum tonight, woken up and now I can't get back to sleep :-s
We are supposed to be looking for a house together too but I'd rather just get seperate ones if I'm just going to keep waking up like this. I mean if he wants to play video games he's more than entitled too, it's just me being silly....but a silliness I just can't seem to help...alas. It makes me wonder if I was ever actually suited to this serious relationship malarky...or maybe it's just the fact that I want to move out so much but I am waiting for him to tell me when he can afford it because I'm not forking out all on my own but this room and this house feel so stuffy...and I really want to not live with students...I think that part of my life is over and I need a bit of a fresh start in new surroundings and with new people....this aspect also makes me question my ability to settle down ...it seems every year or so i get adgitated and feel the need to shake things up a little...but every year and a half is pretty frequent though...it's weird. I mean I could just get a rooms in another student house somewhere . I think i'm just getting impatient.
I'm going to the gym tomorrow to work out my frustrations and to stop me being such a beef cake. Hopefully this will work too and i can get some sleep :-s otherwise i'll be fucked tomorrow too :=(
Ok...so it's been a good long while since I have written here although that has mainly been due to two things...one is the new job which despite having to wake up at 6am every morning is actually pretty good, the second is Ben as in the not so German Ben. We have been seeing a lot of each other lately...which is nice although i am very concious of the fact that i don't want to like him too much. Just enough...it doesn't help that the sex is really good...although we did have a bit of a sesh with weed last night...i have never been so high...we only rolled one and we were fucked!!! Apparently my flatmate and his friends came...about an hour after they called me...and by that time my whole concept of time was non-exhistant and i felt sleepy....i don't think hot chocolate helped. So i went into the other room lol...Ben came in after me...I got a bit horny to say the least...and i think i kept him in the room for a long while lol...he did wisper in my ear and say that it was amazing...i don't even know how long we were away from the others for...but it was amazing. I remember when I was with Riki and I think we were at it at least three maybe four times a day...lol...well it did get a bit boring with Riki but it seems to work well with Ben lol...maybe it's because we don't see each other all the time. But we have similar sexual appetites, he's very very cute...still not sure how far it will go...but i'm enjoying it for now. Apparently John came yesterday too lol...with romina and my flatmate...everyone in the kitchen was mashed too and the party was a bit shit especially as i was having a very steamy time with a certain someone and the others were far too wasted to entertain the new guests....apprently they came into a silent kitchen which stayed silent until they decided to leave...lol...well i was having fun!...and I do like Ben :-)
I aint gonna smoke for a very very long time....a VERY long time!! I'm still a little fusa now lol
well...me, sandy and soph had a threeway birthday bash starting with a bit of a house party at outs and then to vodka rev...it was a realy good party loaaaaaaads of poeple came and i had loads of fun....luckily i can remember most of it haha...although i did wake up with the shakes lol...i danced a LOT...finally met james my friend Alice's 7 year birthday...and suddenly the prospect of a threesome is not off the cards...lol...he is pretty fit....ANd i actually think he's taller than P lol...didn't think it was possible lol...Ben did come as well...we did kiss...A LOT...i think at one point i pushed him away a little lol...everyone was telling me how much he likes me haha..apparently he was teling my friend how gorgeous i am...lol...he is really cute though...i do like him, he's entertaining, really intelligent, really really tactile lo...incredibly romantic and he realised the importance of compliments lol...he makes me feel wanted and special and we talke a lot this weekend, after vodka rev i went back to his. It did get a bit heated between both of us but i told him where my line was and he didn't cross it...though he did try topush it lol...we cuddle and kissed loads...my lips are still a tad sore lol...we talked about exes and stuff which at LEAST he felt easy talking about it...and i told him why i needed to take it slow...i don't want him to be my rebound although from speaking with him it really hasn't been a lot of time since i broke up with him, which he realises too he hugged me and held me...and I kinda said the night before my reservations about love and even though i have fallen for someone i didn't like the vulnerability and it's not something i wanted to feel again...although saying that made me realise that it's going to take a lot to get me to fall in love again and it's a shame...i think i will eventually because i do want to and time will break down the barriers i have erected since Patri but not anytime soon...but all this dawned on me unfortunately when he was holding my face and standing opposite me, and i was litterally overcome by this huge wave of sadness and a tear or two rolled doen my cheek...i could have cried then but i held it back but he held me close and kissed my tears away....
I do like Ben but there is a very obvious barrier in my mind and in my heart between me and him...even though i am very sweet and tactile and cosy with him its still there...he said it was a shame i had been hurt so much because he could tell i had a lot of love to give he also said that he will make it his mission to make me fall in love again lol...he is stupidly sweet but i don't want to fall for him...his enthusiam reminds me of how P was in the beginning and is the main reason why i have so many reservations about Ben now...we are supposed to be going to see indiana jones today too...
randomly larz also came on saturday too but he was there really late, he came in and said hi then just left withough saying anything which i thought was a bit strange. Apparently he left a message for sandy on facebook saying that it was one of his first nights ever so i text him asking him if he was ok. He said that he had overslept but the message was quite firendly but but he did mention Ben and that he didn't want to interupt me having a good time...Tabby said that he may have walked out because he was a bit jelous which kinda makes sense but i didn't think he really liked me anyway and i did really like Larz at the start but he didn't seem like he was lookinf for anything steady and neither am i but i don't start anything with anyone if i don't see the possibility of it lasting quite a while even if i am just seeing the guy....so i'm not sure what's going on there.
Here's the video for Duffy which i forgot to add....foooking tune!
When I get to Warwick Avenue
meet me by the entrance of the tube
we can talk things over a little time
but promise me you won't step outta line
When I get to Warwick Avenue
please drop the past and be true
don't think we're okay just because I'm here
you hurt me bad but I won't shed a tear
I'm leaving you for the last time baby
you think you're loving but you don't love me
and I've been confused outta’ my mind lately
you think you're loving but I want to be free
Baby you hurt me
When I get to Warwick Avenue oh
we'll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you the answers now here's the door
When I get to Warwick Avenue
I'll tell you baby, that we're through
Cos' I'm leaving you for the last time baby
you think you're loving but you don't love me
and I've been confused outta my mind lately left
you think you're loving but you don't love me
I want to be free, baby you've hurt me.
All the days spent together, I wish for better
and I didn't want the train to come, now it's departed
I'm broken hearted, seems like we never started.
All those things here together, when I wished for better
And I didn't want the train to come
You think you're loving, but you don't love me
I want to be free.
Baby you've hurt me, you don't love me,
I want to be free, baby you hurt (heard) me.
ben damnit!! he took me to the theatre last night and i went to see The English Game...it was really really funny and it's been such a long time since I have been to the theatre too...I quite like the fact that he is one of those hippy/intellectual/arty types...it's a nice change and I do like all of that....as we were walking down to the playhouse he took my hand ...it was quite romantic and sweet...i kept hold of it...it was a nice feeling....then when the play finished he kissed me...it kinda took me by surprise...well...it really took me by surprise but that's always a good think...i kinda like my guy ballsy lol...although i wasn't planning on kissing him AT ALL tonight either...but it was well romantic how he did it...:-(....we went to a bar afterwards and the Grand Yazoo were playing...they are a live jazz/funk band who are FANTASTiC...I've heard them at Hifi and the place is always well packed when they play...but we were chatting loads...found out he is 29 years old :-s....altough it makes sense...they guy has a number of moves up his sleave that a 21 year old would not have and he does it in such a subtle way a girl doesn't have time to realise it...before you know it you end up in a passionate embrace....he did walk me back yesterday...we kissed in the rain outside my house (how fucking clique is that!! lol) it was romantic though...left me with a amile on my face...still skeptical though...lol...i do find it quite har to trust men and their motives now lol...and even though all this is fun I'm still keeping this subdued cassanova at arms lenth and there will be NO SEX...i have to remind myself of that every so often otherwise I have the tendancy of getting carried away in the moment...as i did with P at te start lol...but ben is really cute and really sweet....and o my god before i forget...
he sent me a amessage saying there is something that i may find interesting in the Brotherton Library under his name a couple of days ago...i went there yesterday to try and look for it and kinda realised the books aren't strictly in alphabetical order...but call it womens intuition I found myself in secion V...and started to look under 4.2 which was right in front of me for Van...low and behold i found a pink note saying that if your name is not jingles then just ignore it....i took it out an thought it was really cute and was just about to text him when soemthing told me to look again and low and behold, behind the books was some hand made chocolate from harrogate and a note with a poem inside...aparently my new nickname is jingle on account of the earings and jewelry i now wear...lol...yes i tingle as i walk...it was soooooooooooooo sweet and SOOOOOOOooo unexpected...although as i said...he got game...a bit too much game and after Patri i really don't want to leave myself vulnerable to another guy....so i'm gonna have to play hard to get...although something tells me this guy will actually enjoy that lol